Saturday, January 30, 2016

To The People Who Think They Know Me

I'm going to give you a bit of a disclaimer straight up; You Don't. 

You might have known me for an hour, or for a month, or maybe you've known me my entire life. Still, I say, you don't know me. 

I am a private person.

 I don't let people in often, and if you hurt me, you are not likely to be let in again. If you are, it's after a lot of work, and it will never be very far. If you hurt me twice, after I've let you back in, you are off my good side for just about forever. 

I don't mean to be rude here guys, but I tend to be a doormat. So this is a defense strategy I have. 

I don't like playing with people. 

I know most of you have already figured this out. The things I do for 'Fun' tend to be things I do ALONE. And if consider it 'fun' I don't want others in. Having other people involved turns it from 'fun' into work. And eventually ruins it all together. My ideal 'play' is very critical, and very pessimistic. At least, that is how you will see it. I have the most fun when I'm alone doing something that involves details.  Anglicizing, and learning, these two things are play to me. 

I know what you are feeling.

I am an INFJ; This means I'm an Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Judger.  MOST of them are empaths. Strong emotions, like anger and frustration are easier for me to pick up and reflect than the more gentle emotions like amusement, and joy. 

I fish for reactions. I want to see how you will react to certain things. I don't even have to look at you if I know you well. This is one way I get to know people. I'll annoy your socks off the first couple of weeks. I'm just trying to figure you out. 

However, knowing what people are feeling, especially if it's strong, isn't just secluded to people I know well. Even if it is a complete stranger, if they are in a rotten mood I will reflect that. 

I don't try to do this, I don't want to do this. But it's something that I've done all my life. It is also something that makes me very tired very quickly.

If I like you, I'll check in on you. 

This is how I show love strongest; I make sure you are OK. I'll be the shoulder for you to cry on, I will help you through your problem. This is what the INFJ does best. I'll be the person who laughs with you over that stupid joke you wrote that makes zero sense. 

This also means, this is how I'm shown love. When I disappear, will you come find me? Will you pull me out of my pit of sorrow and help me walk tall again? Do you even care if I die? Or did you just forget about that promise you made earlier.  How often do you check in on me? I don't want things! I want a simple 'Hi!' once in a while. The conversation doesn't even have to be very long. Actually, I would prefer if it was shorter rather than longer. 

I prefer truth 

If you don't like me, then say it. I'll know if you don't like me. Remember, I know what you are feeling! Quit lying to me! I don't want you to tell me 'The Dress is beautiful" if you think it looks horrible. I might dismiss it, but by keeping your mouth shut, you are LOOSING points. NOT gaining them. But only tell me once. If   you are on my 'black list' then pestering me about it will only set the habit in stone. Because I'm TRYING to drive you nuts. 

Remember, I ignore people I don't like, so if you don't like me back, then you will leave me alone. 

I Prefer to Do Things For Myself.

Now, this isn't ALWAYS true, but unless I ask for help, I'd rather you just stay out of it. I want to be able to do things on my own, so I've very likely to jump in and listen and learn from you. 

But I'm VERY independent. This often comes off as over confidence. Trust me, it's different. I'm not a delicate wallflower. And I'm way more aware of what's around me than you will ever know.  

This does not mean I want your work as well. Nothing says 'I hate you' more than someone who leaves their work for me to do. Knowing, that because I'll come behind and just do it. Because that is how I say I love you. 

I am VERY tough on people, 

This is most especially true with myself. I still beat myself over the head with things I did when I was two. Every harsh saying you ever told me, I remember. I remember you saying I was a 'good for nothing' I remember you saying 'I don't measure up,' Even if you didn't mean it, since everything is attached to emotion, it is remembered forever. I don't hate you, but I'll hide myself from you because I don't want that again. 

My Memory isn't the best

I've had a head injury, this means I tend to forget what I'm doing from one moment to the next. I probably will never get better, but when I'm on a mission I'll often times brush people off. This may appear as being rude, but if you try to step in, no matter who you are, you will be ignored. I can't afford the brain power to even tell you what I'm doing. I will end up forgetting what it is, then have to go back to square one again. Then I'll be frustrated and you don't want to deal with me then. 

I don't like surprises

I like things orderly, I plan my life days, weeks, even YEARS in advance. I don't like things to disrupt that train of thought or derail my plan. For some people, I'll bend those rules. But you have to be a CLOSE friend for that to be true. 

I Don't Like Parties

The most dreaded word in the English language is 'Party'. This means I've got to dress up... which I don't exactly mind. Then I have to small talk with people... Small Talk... Or in other words, Gossip about what the sky is doing, about how health is doing, what the government is doing. Or the Sports team... In other words. It's a meaningless waste of my time. I go, I'm warn to a frazzle, then I go home and cry myself to sleep. Every. Single. Time. Then you expect me to talk to you the next day. I'm tired the next day LEAVE. ME. ALONE! 

I don't like parties, I have never liked parties! Not even my own! I've skipped parties over half my birthdays... And it's not because I did't earn it. I did not want it. 

I'd rather send a card, or call you and talk to you for five minuets. 

I can't eat cake. I can't have ice cream. And unless it's DARK Chocolate. I don't like candy. I get VERY sick when I do eat any of those. 

I am Allergic to Cats and Dogs

Most people brush this off, so let me tell you, THIS IS SERIOUS! Just standing in line at the store, with the person either in front, or behind me with either cat, or dog hair on their cloths, could, and very well might throw me into an asthma attack. 

A hug from such person can IMMEDIATELY cause the reaction. And very well might kill me. 

Entering a home, even if the house has been scrubbed and the pet is away, has sent me to the hospital many times. No, I won't outgrow this. If you have a pet, don't   invite me to your home if you like me. 

Let me explain to you an attack. First it feels like I'm breathing through a straw. First indication of this is I've locked my jaw and I'm concentrating breathing through my nose. That is my signal that I am struggling. Then it feels like 25-100 pounds of rice has just been dropped on my chest. The weight will slowly increase until loose consciousness. 

This normally happens only once, or twice a year. That however, does not mean I don't get slowed down, or bedridden for days because I can't breath. 

I have Sensory Possessing Disorder

This means noise, and unexpected touch REALLY bother me. When I overwhelm my senses, they start sending me completely opposite signals. I don't know which way is up. You touching me can feel like burning oil. 

ASK before you give me a hug. Don't just assume. And if I don't just hug you, don't take it personally. I protect myself by secluding myself from others during, and around an attack. 

If it involves being out after dark... don't ask. 

I get headaches from riding in the car after dark. Not only that, but my ability to deal with social problems ends around 5PM. I don't want to go. I want to be at home, and I want to be alone. 

Not having friends is OK

I'm an introvert. I don't need that many friends. In fact, I find friends a bother. In truth, MOST of the people I'm friends with, don't know me at all. Most INFJ relationships are one sided. I know about you, you know nothing about me. 

But that doesn't mean I don't get lonely 

Just because most of my friends I know them better than they know me, this does not mean I don't get lonely. When this happens, I want the people who are important to me to pay attention. 

How do you know if you are important to me?

  1. Do I listen to what you say?
  2. Do I contact you to contact you?
  3. Will I rework my schedule to work around yours?
  4. Do I help you when you are around?
  5. Have you ever gotten a surprise gift from me?
  6. Have I ever given you artwork?
  7. How about a craft?
  8. Do I let you touch me?
  9. Do I touch you?
  10. Do I allow you to cry on my shoulder?
  11. Have I ever invited you to my home?
  12. Do you know my dreams? Really? 
  13. Do you know what my fears are?
  14. How often to I bring you problems?
  15. How do I integrate your advice? Do I follow it? Or do I do the opposite. 
  16. Am I troubled when you give me something. 
  17. Do I tell you what I do, and Don't like about the gift?
  18. Am I honest with you?
These are most of the ways I show affection. 

This past year I've been striving to put away the mask. I've been striving to figure out who I am. Not Dazi, not Lilly, Not Kwren... not Jane Bigwig... but me. Who am I? I wear a mask for all of you. Different people see different 'mes'. In truth, none of them are completely real. None of you really know me. 

I'm a people pleaser. I'll do anything to keep others happy... even if it means making myself miserable. I've attempted suicide seven times because of this. NOBODY knew I even had a problem at the time. 

This also means I've had to get rid of friends. I've kicked people from my life. People who've been the worst at dictating what I do, and don't do. This is part of my growth as a person. It may seem sudden with me being so much older than most kid when they go through this. But my life was so rough then, I didn't have time to look inward. Neither did I want to. 

I have problems. I have a lot of problems. But unless you matter to me, I'm not going to allow you to just rule my life anymore. I've tried that. It did not work for me. 

To the people who think they know me. I'm going to tell you again. You do not know me. Why? Because all I ever showed you was a mask. You never, ever saw the real me. 

Will you see it now?  Who knows. It will depend on if you have my respect. If you do, I'll let you in, if you don't. Be patient. 

I'm not done with this road yet. It's hard to break 18 years of hiding behind a mask. You can't do it overnight. 

But I'm not my  sister. I'm not my mother. I'm not my Father- and I'm not you. 

I do not mean to be rude in any of this. But most of you, don't really know me. I am private, and I am sensitive. I prefer to WORK with people. I don't really like PLAYING with people. And in all honesty, you probably don't know 1%, even my closest friends,  of what I do for fun. Especially when it comes to my imagination. 

I am most at peace, when I am quiet, and alone. I find joy in the simple things, like a flower in a meadow. If you want to know who I am, get still, and feel the world around you. 

Do I like you? Have I ever sat beside you still and quiet completely at peace. 

VK out. 

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