Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Looking Back

There once lived a girl in her early teens, she was bitter and full of hate. She flunked in school and argued with her teachers. Though to see her you would never think so, Though her eyes burned with hate when she got around someone she felt had done her wrong she was for the most part, at least outwardly cheerful.

But she was in hidden denial of attority unless it made since to her. The fact was she was afraid and depressed. For years now she had suppressed her imagination to the point where it backfired on her every chance it got.

Then with the death of her grandmother and a horrid accident involving her mother and two younger siblings (none of which were killed) she was driven deep into depression.

Not everyday was dreary but for the most part she just wanted to die. She tried six different times to commit suicide but each time God intervened in a amazing way.

First time she tried to get bit by a snake. She though she found one and took of her shoes and stepped on it... it ended up being a pile of sticks.

Another time she jumped off the bank of a deep gully and landed on a old soft thing and bounced.

Another time she tried to kill herself someone found her and talked her out of it.
She made that friend promise not to tell anyone about it and she didn't. Nobody knew.
You may be asking yourself now "Who is this?"

This girl was me three years ago. And I will admit to being ashamed of my actions at that time. I was a true hypocrite. I pretended that everything going fine, but as you can tell things weren't.

And I will tell you I am not that way anymore. I don't remember exactly what triggered the change. Perhaps the fact I let me use my imagination again, maybe it was the fact that I started witting down my songs and poem here. Maybe it was working with horses, or my being able to read my Bible for myself. Probably it was everything working together. Whatever it was God has worked in my life. I can honestly say I am not that girl anymore.

Life is a beautiful thing, it may not be easy, but I am not afraid like I was to face my problems head on. God is good and he cares for me in amazing ways. Everything that has happened over the last two years has worked for good to make me a happier person. I am not perfect, but killing myself won't help matters any. Suicide is simply a perminate answer to a temporary problem. And it is completely unnecessary.

This is why this year I am thankful for life, I am thankful for those around me, I am thankful for my imagination, and being who I am and what I am.

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